The Language of Love
An expert’s guide to non-verbal communication
Body language has a crucial role in the language of love because only a relatively small part of effective communication between two people relates to the words you say. This is especially true when people first meet. A number of credible research sources claim between 75% - 93% of the understanding your listener obtains is by a) how you are positioning your body, b) your movements and gestures, c) what your eyes are doing and, d) the tone of your voice. What this means is that your words only make up between 7% and 25% of what the lovely lady you have just met “hears!”
The following examples assume a man approaching a woman, but they are not gender specific and work just as well if a woman is initiating the contact.
You’re at a friend’s party and have just spotted a really interesting woman. Discreet inquiries reveal her name is Manda and she’s single. Deciding to approach her and hoping for the best, you take a sip of liquid courage, confidently crank up your “A” game and plunge ahead.
You approach her, smile and say hello. She says hello. Manda will probably never give you a higher percentage of her attention than she will in the next few minutes. She’s curious, just like you are. Both of you have fully engaged all your senses as the conversation begins. You are both simultaneously looking, listening, watching and assessing each other. Of course, you may be rejected in the first 3 seconds (”He’s too tall,” or “A green Mohawk! No way,” or “Yikes, what’s that smell?”), but if not Manda will probably give you the time to make your pitch.
I’ll leave it to you to come up with your opening lines as well as the subsequent content of what you say. Instead, let’s just examine how you are going to say it utilizing good body language technique to improve odds she will respond favorably.
The object of using body language to enhance your communication effectiveness is to lower the barriers - to establish rapport. What is good rapport? You can literally see it every day when you observe best friends, lovers, a parent and child, etc. What is it they do that makes it obvious to the casual observer they are in sync? They are matching and mirroring each other: adopting similar body positioning, speech patterns, facial expressions and movements as they interact and communicate with one another. The flip side is true, too.
I’ll bet you have been in a restaurant and looked across the room at a couple sitting out of earshot. Even if they are sitting relatively quietly you can tell in one glance that they aren’t getting along. How they are angling their heads; their body positioning, where they are holding their arms and hands, etc. Even from a distance you can “feel” the dynamics are wrong and they aren’t in sync.
Mirroring and matching is what you are going to do with Manda. You will be adjusting your body language to be in sync with hers and thereby improve the probability she will perceive you as friendly, empathetic, comfortable and non-threatening. Yes, your words are important, but once you have engaged her in conversation it will primarily be your body language that Manda will be “hearing.”
Before we get to specifics, I want to emphasize that Manda will never notice any of the following if you do it naturally, smoothly and slowly. Always wait a bit when you move to match her. It may be a second or two or as much as a minute. Go with your gut instinct. Continue the conversation as all this is going on. There is no risk of being “caught” unless you act almost cartoonish. If she does notice, it will probably be at a gut level, but the result will in all likelihood be that she will perceive you as being especially empathetic, which isn’t bad.
You walk over to her directly; not too fast, not too slow. If she looks at you and your eyes connect, hold the contact for a couple of seconds and smile. Look away for a moment and then back into her eyes. Don’t stare her down. That is way too aggressive and decreases your odds dramatically. Continue walking up to her. You say hello. I leave it to you to decide if the circumstances are appropriate for you to offer to shake hands. She says hello. OK, now what?
Begin by ensuring you aren’t standing too close to her. For most people, a good starting point is two and a half to three feet. If you are in a crowd, or otherwise crammed together you may have to sit or stand much closer. If this occurs, position yourself so you can maintain a bit of space between you and also turn slightly away. By not facing her directly, you are giving her a bit more psychological “room.” Of course, she may enjoy being physically close, but you don’t know that yet and can’t safely assume it..
You remain standing while the two of you talk. She says something and you sense she has moved back (or away) from you a bit. Do not move forward. Hold your position, keep talking and wait for her to feel comfortable enough to close the gap again. If you “chase” her, the odds greatly increase she will end the conversation. If she moves away a second time, make sure you aren’t directly facing her nor being too intense with your eyes because she may need a larger comfort zone. Of course, the worst scenario is she may be signaling that she has decided she’s not buying whatever you are selling. You are both still standing and you realize she has moved a bit closer to you. This is a good thing. I suggest you keep the conversation going, wait a minute or two then turn slightly sideways, so you aren’t facing her directly, and then move a few inches closer to her. If after this she stays close, then gradually turn to face her over the next few minutes and keep talking as though nothing has changed. If she moves away, turn away from her again. If you want to test the waters, you can initiate the process: turn a bit, keep talking, slowly move a few inches closer, and see what happens. If she moves away, then you move away also and return things to the way they were before. If not, then gradually turn to face her and continue your conversation. In addition to body language you will be observing Manda’s eyes. Interpreting the eyes is an art form all by itself. I have been told that NLP - Neuro-Linguistic Programming - is the originator of this research, and that they call it “eye accessing cues.” In short, it examines how eyes move in relation to what people are thinking.
Like all other body language clues, the eyes are a general indicator. I believe that as the brain is computing and is forming thoughts and words, the eyes act as almost as a “window” to the process. Don’t take a single cue as being 100% accurate. Instead, cues are merely evidence of what is behind the words she is saying.
How do you assess whether Manda’s eyes are in sync with what she is saying? When I was considering whether or not to take on a new client, I paid a great deal of attention to her eyes and believe I saved myself considerable grief by not accepting clients whose words were at variance with what their eyes were saying to me. When you are getting to know someone, I know you are interested in having a level of confidence they are who they portray themselves to be. Unfortunately, the world is full of people who aren’t as advertised and eye cues are one of the ways to find out before you get into something you would rather avoid.
The eye cue you care the most about is the one that often appears when someone is exaggerating or even telling a lie. As you and Manda talk she won’t be staring into your eyes constantly. She will look away as she remembers things, considers what you say and develops a response, etc. But, you have noticed that as she is telling you about herself, she keeps glancing up and to her right (your left). “Up” is defined as above where her eyes are if they are level, e.g. driving or looking at you as the two of you talk. If you see this pattern repeating itself, begin to adopt a bit of skepticism and ask some questions. One way to explore further is to ask a question that you know the answer to, such as, “Manda, you said you worked at the Abbot Building on 3rd Street. Is that the green building?” When she accesses her memory and truthfully tells you, yes, the green one, her eyes will generally look up and to her left (your right).
So, the basic indicators are: if she is looking up and to her right she may be constructing images; that is to say she is creating something. If she is looking up and to her left, she is most likely remembering images; that is to say she is accessing and recalling something factual. Phrased simply, to her right she may be making something up; to her left she is probably recalling something real.
Important caveats: left-handed people typically reverse the pattern described above. Ask some questions and check it out. Remember, eye cues are only an indicator, clue or evidence. They are not a sure thing. Do not rely too much on eye cues. Some people simply don’t respond as I’ve described above, but most do. Ask about things you know the answer to, assess her responses and watch her eyes.
Looking down, whether straight or to the side typically reveals when someone is getting in touch with themselves; remembering feelings or bodily sensations or conducting an internal dialog. You say to Manda, “That’s a terrible story. You must have been really upset.” You see her eyes drop for several seconds and she replies in a soft voice, “It hurt for months.” What you have just seen is Manda accessing her memories and for a moment reliving those feelings. If she looks straight ahead with the fabled “thousand mile stare” she is typically visualizing something. An example might be your question, “What do you think you’ll do after you graduate?” She goes into visualization mode for a few seconds and responds, “I’m hoping to make it into the fashion industry.” Could she be making that up? Actually, she’s planning to move back to her folk’s house and go on welfare? Sure. It’s only evidence. Keep asking questions; get her talking and nine times out of ten you’ll have a much better understanding of who she is when compared to someone who doesn’t have these skills.
Your skillful use of body language put Manda at ease and lowered the barriers between you. Matching and mirroring helped Manda relax and open up. As you listened and got to know her you observed her eye cues and gradually formed an initial opinion of how “real” she was. You now have a pretty good idea who she is and what she’s about. The next move is up to you.
As you practice both these skill sets, begin in a relatively minimalist way and it will never appear what you are doing is contrived. With some practice, they are incredibly effective techniques that will empower you to more deeply connect not only with that attractive woman you spot across the room, but all the people you deal with everyday: neighbors, relatives, customers, your boss and even your six year old niece who will in short order announce that you are her favorite uncle.
In his recently released book “(her) Satisfaction Guaranteed,” pages 12 - 14, the author talks about body language as a primary component to quickly get into a mutually agreeable comfort zone with an attractive stranger. This article was written in response to many requests by readers for further elaboration of the subject.
You can check the book out at http://her-satisfaction-guaranteed.com. Her Satisfaction Guaranteed. All the time. Every time.
(c) 2008 by CTWPublications
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